Silly Me.

It’s been a while since I updated. So, where should I start? Well, last week has been one of a  great week. It’s been great because I realize a lot of things, things that I thought I will have hard time getting through once I face it.

I’ve been joining a competition every year, it’s an inter-school competition. This competition enhances young journalist and their skills, abilities, and passion in the field of journalism. Through this friendly competition, school journalists all over our city gather every year, this give us chance to meet new friends and show our improvement from last year experience. I’ve been joining this competition for four years now. I started joining when I was still a 6^th grader but in my first year in High School, I didn’t   join the said event but the following year I gave it a try and this year is my last time joining it.

For the past three years of joining the competition, I always got a chance to represent our school in the regional level. I’ve always been blessed. I consider myself lucky for winning each year. And this year, unfortunately, I wasn’t included in the top three of my event. I got the 4^th place. But wait, was it really unfortunate?

Before, I always tell myself that I need to win. I can’t imagine myself failing and losing in this competition. I love writing, it’s my passion. I can’t lose. I can’t fail. I need to reach the next level of the competition. That was always been my mind set. There is no place for failure. And that was the reason why in my first failure, for the first time I lose in another writing competition, I had a hard time accepting it. I was so bummed by it that I came to the point I started to hate writing. Hating the thing that you do is one hell of the hardest feeling you could ever felt.

“I love writing. It’s my passion and every time I write, I put my heart into it. No matter what the result is, I’m happy for that’s who I am. ” That’s what I always say to myself and the first time I lose, I forgot that line. I was blinded by the feeling of always winning, losing was foreign for me and the first time I tasted it, I was wrecked. 

It took me a while to collect my self-esteem again and to move from that experience. I did a lot of pondering for a week! Just to get over that feeling because if I haven’t, the inter-school competition would be at stake if I stayed that way. This year was my last straw to reach until the national level. I always want to go that far. Who wouldn’t right?

But a week before the inter-school competition, I said I did a lot of pondering right? It came across my mind, why I love writing. I asked myself again, why do I love writing? Well, there’s no particular reason. I just love writing. It’s like how you love a person. You like his/her attitude, the way he/she dress, his/her smile but those are just some reason why you like him/her. Those where not the main reason why you come to love him/her to the point you accept them fully. I love writing yet I don’t know the main reason why I come to love it but one thing I like about writing is that I want to inspire people with my words.

Inspire people with my words. That line echoes in my head. Indeed, I want to inspire a person that’s why I write. And that’s it! I’ve been writing for years, posting it on my online accounts and blog. That’s my aim in the first place. Winning this competitions were just bonuses of my passion. I write to inspire. I’m sure one of a lucky gal to win this contests but I forgot the essence of all of this.

Being the 4^th placer of this year competition is not the worst thing that happened to me. Yes, this is my last year and I couldn’t qualify for the next level. On the day of the awarding, on that final judgment, on that moment they announced that I got the 4^th place, honestly I can see the dismay of my colleagues and I can also feel the disappointment I had inside. It’s natural. It took me few moments to process everything. But you know what happened next? As I dawdle the streets on my way home, I found myself smiling.

I didn’t feel like I lose. The disappointment I feel, vanish. It may sound crazy but I feel happy. Who on Earth would feel happiness when losing in a competition right? But for the first time in my existence, it’s the first time I feel that I really won! I won because I remember the essence of my passion. I was about to be devoured by  winning but once in our life, we need to feel failure to remember that we need to do more and there are still a lot of things to know. When we fail, we learn a lot of things but in winning we know less.

Don’t let failure ebb you. Make it as your stepping stone to become better. You where just drawn a few feet away where the winner stands but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach it. As for me, I will continue to write, I still want to inspire people. After all the failures I experience, this is not the time for me to give up. Giving up is not an option. But once in a while, we must learn to stop and rest for a bit. Giving up and resting is two different things.

Giving up means you turn your back and walk away. I won’t give up on the things and person that I love. I might feel like giving up but deep down I’m still holding into something and hoping. I LOVE WRITING and I won’t give it up. Maybe I just need a little time to rest and discover new things. Exploit what’s beyond the horizon. I’m not closing my doors; I’m opening it to new opportunities and new things.

My life has always been full of unexpected twist and turns. Our experiences may be blissful or depressing but one thing is for sure, we always learned things after everything. That’s the beauty of life. This experience of mine is not unfortunate. I did learn a lot in one week. And I do believe that there are great things beyond the horizon.

I had a dream, a beautiful one. A dream where I always hope to come to life.

It feels so real, like I was not dreaming. I was happy, overjoyed. Hindi ko kayang idescribe kung gaano ako kasaya sa panaginip ko. It was all I ever wanted, that dream was all I ever hope for. I had the chance to make that dream come true before but I messed it up.

Masaya ako nung nakita ko yung ngiti na yun. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na makita yun ulit kahit sa panaginip lang. I couldn't find the  right words, it was just so majestic, so wonderful.

Ang saya ko pero ang sayang yun ay napalitan ng lungkot. Nakakainis! Di ko kayang I.explain! Ang hirap kasi nasasaktan parin ako. Nasasaktan ako sa lahat ng nangyari, sa sinayang ko, sa nawala ko, sa pagsuko ng ganun lang. Ano ba kasi to!

At naguguluhan ako kasi akala ko wala na, akala ko tapos na dahil matagal narin naman yun eh pero gago! Ba't ganito parin yung nararamdaman ko?!

"I can't find my happiness and my sadness."

That statement keeps on repeating on my head like a broken record. Someone who is dear to me told me that once and the time I heard that it sure hurts like hell. Why? Because all along, all those times I had with that person I thought I made him happy. But the moment he said those words I was like "Oh boy I was wrong."

Once you love a person the only thing that you really want is for that person to love you back and bring happiness to his/her life. But that moment when you knew that your not the right person to make him/her happy is the painful thing. You could be anything and everything for that person but the thing is your not the one he/she wants and the only thing you could do is accept it and let go. But in the back of your mind there this voice that tells not to give up yet and its in your hand if you will listen to that voice or not.

For me, I didn't listen to that voice. And if your gonna ask me if I regret not listening to it? My answer would be, no. Why? Because just like any other person, I don't regret it 'coz I believe there is a reason behind it. If I made a mistake not listening to that small voice well then, I accept my mistake and yes, I learned a lesson. I guess its part of growing up. You board the wrong train and get lost but somehow you find your way back. I get lose but one thing I learned from that experience was there are many roads to get to your destination.

What's hunting me now is the reason behind that statement. Back at that moment, back at that time when he said that statement, I didn't let him explain 'coz I was already blinded by my emotion_pain. If I had a regret on that moment, that would be I didn't let him explain, I didn't let him finished coz I believe there's no other things to explain. What he said, it means exactly what it means. I'm not the perfect fit for him. That was my thinking back then. I..I just ran away and I didn't look back, oh well, let me rephrase that, I did look back, hoping that he was trying to follow me but he didn't. I didn't see him chasing me.

But was I wrong from running away like that? I didn't hear his story. What if he was in pain that's why he said those word, what if he just needed me back then, what if he just challenging me, what if I'm just expecting? 

Yes, I said I didn't regret listening to that voice because it leads me to some instances in my life where I become and undaunted person but I'm not sure if i'm already at my destination. I don't know if that chapter of my life is done or it was just on hold. What if it's part of the plot where I need board another train and  take another route_a long one. What if its part of the story where I need to be lost and find my way back to him. What if..What if that time wasn't the perfect timing to listen to that voice. What if it is still not late to listen to that voice back then? What if this is the right time. Right now.

Pag nasaktan ka sa pag-ibig, oras lang ang katapat niyan. Hindi band aid, alcohol o cotton balls. Paglipas ng panahon ang kinakailangan para magamot ang sugat. Ika nga nila diba "Time heal all wounds".

Pag nasaktan ka sa pag-ibig parang hindi lang isang pasa ang nakuha mo, hindi lang isang suntok ang natamo mo at hindi lang isang sampal ang dumampi sa pisngi mo. Marami. At bugbug na rin ang puso mo. Walang kang magagawa kasi nangyari na. At kahit gustuhin mo man na ibalik ang dati hindi mo na magagawa.Bakit may time machine k aba para gawin ito? Mahal mo nga pero hindi ka naman mahal. Mahal mo nga kaso naghanap ng iba. Mahal mo nga kaso di ka tanggap. Mahal mo nga hindi ka naman maintindihan. Tanong ko lang ganyan ba talaga ang totoong pag-ibig?

Ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? Kaya ba itong bigyang depinasyon? May tama bang salita para ilarawan kung ano ito? Wika nila ang pag-ibig ay walang sinasaktang iba. Hindi ito makasarili. At kaya nitong itama ang pagkakamali ng kahapon. Kung nasaktan ka dahil sa pag-ibig tama na bang ikulong mo ang sarili sa nakaraan? Kung akala mo ay nakatagbo mo na taong para sayo pero nasaktan ka lang, talaga bang siya ng karapat-dapat sa pagmamahal mo?

Maraming tanong, pero hindi ito dali-daling nasasagot. Pagnasaktan ka, pakiramdam mo wala ng saysay ang buhay mo, hindi mo na kayang magmahal pa at sa kanya lang umikot, umiikot at iikot ang mundo mo ngunit hindi mo madidiktahan ng tadhana, mapaglaro ito. Minsan kung kailan hindi mo inaasahan ay doon dumadating ang taong nararapat sayo.

Hayaan mong gamutin ng panahon ang sugat. Magkibit balikat ka naman minsan. Matutu kang bumitaw, lalo na sa mga bagay na nagpapasakit sayo. Wag mung ipilit.. Nasusukat ang katatagan ng isang tao sa pagbitiw nila sa mga bagay na mahal nila ngunit alam nilang kailangan na itong bitiwan at pakawalan.

Bago mo magawang pakawaan ito ng buong puso, kailangan mo munang maintindihan ang salitang 'pagtanggap', Siguro nga meron tayong kanya-kanyang kahulugan sa pag-ibig , at para sa akin makikita mo ang totoong pag-ibig sa isang taong magiging lakas mo sa mga panahong akala mo hindi mo na kaya at wala ka nang lakas ng loob para ipagpatuloy ang isang bagay at kaya mo ring maging lakas niya sa mga panahong hinang-hina na siya. Walang perpektong tao at lalong walang perpektong relasyon pero nagiging perpekto lamang ito kung tanggap niyo ang isa't isa. Tanggap niyo ang bawat kahinaan at lakas.

Kaya kong masasaktan ka man sa pag-ibig, at alam mong ginawa mo na ang parte mo, hayaan mong gawin naman ng panahon ang parte nito. Darating at darating din ang taong karapat dapat sa iyo. Lumuluha ka man ngayon, ngingiti at sasaya karin.

As the night came and as I lay down on my bed, I remember the things I had in the past and the people I spend time with. People who taught me lots of lessons and experiences. A specific person who taught me to endure things, to believe in my capabilities, to smile, to be hurt, to accept things, to stand up and to move on. How I wish I can turn back the hands of the clock, to thank that specific person.

Indeed, he taught me lots of lessons to ponder. He was the first person who taught me the meaning of young love. He gave me butterfly in my stomach every time we talked. He gives me inspiration and he is my motivation. He help me with my studies, he makes me smile and make me burst into laughter. He is also the first  person who makes me cry. His my first love and my first heartache.

        

  I used to think back then that what we had would last forever. But change is constant. Things didn't went well for the both of us. Tears fell, pain felt and hurt last long. I was broken. But as I said, change is constant. It didn't stayed like that. I stood up, walked away and moved on.  

          

  Four years passed, a lot of things change. Sometimes as I remember the past, I miss it. I don’t know why or how, I just felt it like that. But I am grateful of everything that happened. It made me who I am today.

            

Then, while looking back I realize everything has its own reason of existence. His existence in my life has a reason. A reason that now, I'm still in the process of analyzing a reason that I still think every time I'm alone. For me, it's hard to understand this things. They are indeed confusing. I even sometimes wonder why I can't figure out this things. Then surprisingly, another question slaps in my mind:

           

 Four years have gone, did I really already move on from that first love?

Untitled

Dear Readers,
          Let me tell you a story_my story. So where should I start? hmm. I guess let me introduce myself first. I am Renz and this story begins when one day I bumped a young lady. She was crying. I am sure of that, she bow her head and apologize. I was shocked. What should I do? Then I just gave her my handkerchief. Its the least I can do to lighten her burden. I guess she's having a big problem. I just smile at her and walked away. That girl, shes..shes pretty. I bet when she smile she is prettier. I hope she'll be fine.
         I transferred to a new school in the middle of the semester. I just feel like I need time to be alone. To be independent, to see the real world. Away from my parents who disgust me as their son, away from the people who don't understand me. And life has really its own surprises because I never expect I will meet the person who will change my view in life. Someone who will make me realize the beauty of life.
         She's been my seatmate since I transferred to this new school. She is Michelle. And she was the same girl who was crying and accidentally bumped me. Michelle is pretty. She's kind, gentle, she's simple. I can get along with her and it's her who I first told the story of my life. She's different from others, she listens to me, she understands me, she never judge me from my mistakes, she always believes in me and maybe those are just few of the reasons why I liked her and i'm too coward to tell her that and honestly I hate myself for being too coward. I regret not telling her.
         She had a Spinocerebellar Degeneration Disease. Before Michelle went to the States she leaves me a letter and after reading the letter I couldn't stop myself from crying. All this time we had spent together, she also feel the same way. And if I weren't that coward, we would've been more happy together. In my mind I was always praying "God please. Don't take that girl I love.Please, she's the only person who taught me how to appreciate life and she's the girl who taught me how to pray and believes in you. Michelle is the only person I love and I will always love her. Please don't take her away."
         I followed her in States. My heart can't bear it. I want to fight with her. I don't want her to fight this battle alone. I want to take all my chances. I want to make more happy memories with Michelle. This time I wont be a coward. We have hopes that we can get through this. But the battle wasn't that easy. The roads are  rocky.Hereditary Spinocerebellar Degeneration Disease has no cure. Days passed, weeks went on, months went by, Michelle and I never give up. We fight. Michelle could not walk but I became his feet, she can hardly write, speak and eat. And every time I see her having a hard time I couldn't help myself but cry. I wish it was me. Why do she needs to suffer this much? She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve all of this.
       Then one day Michelle saw me bewail. At that time her ability to speak was gone. I was near her, she was lying in the hospital bed. I couldn't hold it anyone. I cried and cried. I was like a little kid who lost his favorite toy. I was angry why it has to be this way. I don't want to see the girl I love suffer like this. Then suddenly Michelle try her best effort to touch my face and she smiles at me. A smile so pure like everything was okay.
       Before the time Michelle's ability to write was gone she use to write everyday especially in her free time and she would not even let me read all her write ups. Michelle taught me lots of things. Things like acceptance, forgiving, believing above, having faith and hope and importantly she taught me how to love wholeheartedly. Michelle live a humbly life, she never regret every decision she made that leads to me. She learns to accept things and how they are.She love me and I love her back.
     I love her and I will always will. She is always in my heart. I love you Michelle. Eternity and beyond. I love you.

                                                               Truly yours,

                                                                    Renz

Letter

Dear Readers,

                  Let me share my once upon a time with you. It started from a simple smile. Back then he is absolutely a complete stranger to me. I don't know him but things change when one day I ran away crying but that day became an important day of my life. On that day I ran crying never mind the people around me. On that moment all I want was to disappear. When my vision got blurred because of my tears, someone bumped me. After a moment, I bow my head and apologize. I don't want anybody see me cry, as I was about to walk away the guy offer me handkerchief. To my surprise I look up to that guy, then in no where he simply smile at me_a weak smile and he give me the hanky and walk away.

                Days after, as I was sitting in our class and looking at the window, our adviser introduce a new student. I didn't listen to what they are saying then someone just sat beside me. And to my surprise the new kid was the same guy who gave me a hanky!

               His name was Renz. He even remember that day when he first saw me. We became friends_close friends. Small world isn't it? And honestly after few months we spent together, I had this weird feeling for him. I haven't feel this way. And I like what I feel for him. I..I just don't have the courage to tell him personally.

             So this is the reason why I wrote a letter to you Renz. To tell you that I'm really happy that I meet a person like you. You're someone who can cheer me up and make me smile. I like you Renz and I'm sorry I can't tell you this personally. By the time you read this letter, I'm already in the States. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you. I really just don't want to say goodbye.

        That day when you saw me crying, the doctor told me that I have a spinocerebellar degeneration disease_a disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates and later on I cannot walk, speak, write, or eat. I often wonder why this disease choose me. Am I that bad? I don't have the reason to fight this. What is the point of living for me? Do I still have a future? Those questions always stay at my mind. Life is so unfair. But also on that same day I found that reason to fight. I was wrong. Life is not that unfair because I have found you. I now have the reason to fight and I will hold onto that reason. I actually don't know what you feel for me or what will you're reaction be after reading this but one thing i'm sure of my heart choose you. And I'm grateful for everything. I'm happy with our friendship. Thank you Renz.. Thank you for giving me a reason to fight this. Maybe later on I can't speak to you about everything but let me tell you this I will always treasure in my heart every moments I have with you. Maybe we might not see each other again but I hope I can still see you in the future..I hope I can love you in the future.. I hope fate give me a chance to love you. Please don't feel burden about this. That day when we first meet and you smile at me, that smile, I will always remember that in my heart and cherish it.

                                         Truly yours,

                                            Michelle.

      

Third Year Life With You

       My Third Year Life is about to end. This school year has been an exciting one. Like the previous years, it gives me surprises and precious moments that worth a keep. But this year was more exciting and fascinating than the other years in my high school life.
      This year gave me experiences that I had been hurt, cried, expect but in the end it molds me to become an undaunted person. Those experiences really help me alot to be more fierce in my decision, to be more matured that I can be in decision making. Not just that, but this year offers me experiences that I never expect nor foresee that would come. Moments that I will always keep and treasure. Those stolen moments I had with a person that once been a stranger to my world but becomes a special person that inspired me today.
     I often wonder how a stranger can change yourself to become a better person. I don't still have the answer for that question but one thing i'm sure of, having that kind of feeling and experience is a priceless one.
     Things that are not planned are sometimes the things that are the best. Those moments when that person unexpectedly smile to you, talk to you, ask you what's wrong and make you smile when you're actually crying. Those small things and gestures can really means alot.
     Those 10 months I spend in school are really exciting and everyday is a day that I always look forward to. Yes, school is tiring, nerve-wrecking and you feel agast when there's a pop quiz or examination is fast approaching.Yet in school it is where you can  bond with friends, share experiences and see yourself maturing and learn things. Not just academe but some instances in life.
    While writing this, smile draws into my face remembering all those stuff that happened to me this school year. All those stuff really improve who I am. "No matter how great your day is, it always has to end." A quote I have in mind while writing this. I guess the end of this school year is near. And I guess I should be thankful for everyone who take part in this chapter of my life. I hate saying goodbyes but I guess we can't avoid saying this words but for me I won't say it, well, let me just say See you soon people. I, We, my batch mates will be called "Seniors", I hope next school year will be good to us. Here's to all memoirs I had this year!