I had a dream, a beautiful one. A dream where I always hope to come to life.

It feels so real, like I was not dreaming. I was happy, overjoyed. Hindi ko kayang idescribe kung gaano ako kasaya sa panaginip ko. It was all I ever wanted, that dream was all I ever hope for. I had the chance to make that dream come true before but I messed it up.

Masaya ako nung nakita ko yung ngiti na yun. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na makita yun ulit kahit sa panaginip lang. I couldn't find the  right words, it was just so majestic, so wonderful.

Ang saya ko pero ang sayang yun ay napalitan ng lungkot. Nakakainis! Di ko kayang I.explain! Ang hirap kasi nasasaktan parin ako. Nasasaktan ako sa lahat ng nangyari, sa sinayang ko, sa nawala ko, sa pagsuko ng ganun lang. Ano ba kasi to!

At naguguluhan ako kasi akala ko wala na, akala ko tapos na dahil matagal narin naman yun eh pero gago! Ba't ganito parin yung nararamdaman ko?!

"I can't find my happiness and my sadness."

That statement keeps on repeating on my head like a broken record. Someone who is dear to me told me that once and the time I heard that it sure hurts like hell. Why? Because all along, all those times I had with that person I thought I made him happy. But the moment he said those words I was like "Oh boy I was wrong."

Once you love a person the only thing that you really want is for that person to love you back and bring happiness to his/her life. But that moment when you knew that your not the right person to make him/her happy is the painful thing. You could be anything and everything for that person but the thing is your not the one he/she wants and the only thing you could do is accept it and let go. But in the back of your mind there this voice that tells not to give up yet and its in your hand if you will listen to that voice or not.

For me, I didn't listen to that voice. And if your gonna ask me if I regret not listening to it? My answer would be, no. Why? Because just like any other person, I don't regret it 'coz I believe there is a reason behind it. If I made a mistake not listening to that small voice well then, I accept my mistake and yes, I learned a lesson. I guess its part of growing up. You board the wrong train and get lost but somehow you find your way back. I get lose but one thing I learned from that experience was there are many roads to get to your destination.

What's hunting me now is the reason behind that statement. Back at that moment, back at that time when he said that statement, I didn't let him explain 'coz I was already blinded by my emotion_pain. If I had a regret on that moment, that would be I didn't let him explain, I didn't let him finished coz I believe there's no other things to explain. What he said, it means exactly what it means. I'm not the perfect fit for him. That was my thinking back then. I..I just ran away and I didn't look back, oh well, let me rephrase that, I did look back, hoping that he was trying to follow me but he didn't. I didn't see him chasing me.

But was I wrong from running away like that? I didn't hear his story. What if he was in pain that's why he said those word, what if he just needed me back then, what if he just challenging me, what if I'm just expecting? 

Yes, I said I didn't regret listening to that voice because it leads me to some instances in my life where I become and undaunted person but I'm not sure if i'm already at my destination. I don't know if that chapter of my life is done or it was just on hold. What if it's part of the plot where I need board another train and  take another route_a long one. What if its part of the story where I need to be lost and find my way back to him. What if..What if that time wasn't the perfect timing to listen to that voice. What if it is still not late to listen to that voice back then? What if this is the right time. Right now.

Pag nasaktan ka sa pag-ibig, oras lang ang katapat niyan. Hindi band aid, alcohol o cotton balls. Paglipas ng panahon ang kinakailangan para magamot ang sugat. Ika nga nila diba "Time heal all wounds".

Pag nasaktan ka sa pag-ibig parang hindi lang isang pasa ang nakuha mo, hindi lang isang suntok ang natamo mo at hindi lang isang sampal ang dumampi sa pisngi mo. Marami. At bugbug na rin ang puso mo. Walang kang magagawa kasi nangyari na. At kahit gustuhin mo man na ibalik ang dati hindi mo na magagawa.Bakit may time machine k aba para gawin ito? Mahal mo nga pero hindi ka naman mahal. Mahal mo nga kaso naghanap ng iba. Mahal mo nga kaso di ka tanggap. Mahal mo nga hindi ka naman maintindihan. Tanong ko lang ganyan ba talaga ang totoong pag-ibig?

Ano nga ba ang pag-ibig? Kaya ba itong bigyang depinasyon? May tama bang salita para ilarawan kung ano ito? Wika nila ang pag-ibig ay walang sinasaktang iba. Hindi ito makasarili. At kaya nitong itama ang pagkakamali ng kahapon. Kung nasaktan ka dahil sa pag-ibig tama na bang ikulong mo ang sarili sa nakaraan? Kung akala mo ay nakatagbo mo na taong para sayo pero nasaktan ka lang, talaga bang siya ng karapat-dapat sa pagmamahal mo?

Maraming tanong, pero hindi ito dali-daling nasasagot. Pagnasaktan ka, pakiramdam mo wala ng saysay ang buhay mo, hindi mo na kayang magmahal pa at sa kanya lang umikot, umiikot at iikot ang mundo mo ngunit hindi mo madidiktahan ng tadhana, mapaglaro ito. Minsan kung kailan hindi mo inaasahan ay doon dumadating ang taong nararapat sayo.

Hayaan mong gamutin ng panahon ang sugat. Magkibit balikat ka naman minsan. Matutu kang bumitaw, lalo na sa mga bagay na nagpapasakit sayo. Wag mung ipilit.. Nasusukat ang katatagan ng isang tao sa pagbitiw nila sa mga bagay na mahal nila ngunit alam nilang kailangan na itong bitiwan at pakawalan.

Bago mo magawang pakawaan ito ng buong puso, kailangan mo munang maintindihan ang salitang 'pagtanggap', Siguro nga meron tayong kanya-kanyang kahulugan sa pag-ibig , at para sa akin makikita mo ang totoong pag-ibig sa isang taong magiging lakas mo sa mga panahong akala mo hindi mo na kaya at wala ka nang lakas ng loob para ipagpatuloy ang isang bagay at kaya mo ring maging lakas niya sa mga panahong hinang-hina na siya. Walang perpektong tao at lalong walang perpektong relasyon pero nagiging perpekto lamang ito kung tanggap niyo ang isa't isa. Tanggap niyo ang bawat kahinaan at lakas.

Kaya kong masasaktan ka man sa pag-ibig, at alam mong ginawa mo na ang parte mo, hayaan mong gawin naman ng panahon ang parte nito. Darating at darating din ang taong karapat dapat sa iyo. Lumuluha ka man ngayon, ngingiti at sasaya karin.

As the night came and as I lay down on my bed, I remember the things I had in the past and the people I spend time with. People who taught me lots of lessons and experiences. A specific person who taught me to endure things, to believe in my capabilities, to smile, to be hurt, to accept things, to stand up and to move on. How I wish I can turn back the hands of the clock, to thank that specific person.

Indeed, he taught me lots of lessons to ponder. He was the first person who taught me the meaning of young love. He gave me butterfly in my stomach every time we talked. He gives me inspiration and he is my motivation. He help me with my studies, he makes me smile and make me burst into laughter. He is also the first  person who makes me cry. His my first love and my first heartache.

        

  I used to think back then that what we had would last forever. But change is constant. Things didn't went well for the both of us. Tears fell, pain felt and hurt last long. I was broken. But as I said, change is constant. It didn't stayed like that. I stood up, walked away and moved on.  

          

  Four years passed, a lot of things change. Sometimes as I remember the past, I miss it. I don’t know why or how, I just felt it like that. But I am grateful of everything that happened. It made me who I am today.

            

Then, while looking back I realize everything has its own reason of existence. His existence in my life has a reason. A reason that now, I'm still in the process of analyzing a reason that I still think every time I'm alone. For me, it's hard to understand this things. They are indeed confusing. I even sometimes wonder why I can't figure out this things. Then surprisingly, another question slaps in my mind:

           

 Four years have gone, did I really already move on from that first love?